The Best Bob Hoon Quotes from JD Kirk’s Robert Hoon Thrillers
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In a world where many fictional detectives are bland, middle-aged men with a strong sense of justice and a troubled home life, Bob Hoon is an original.
Yes, he's middle aged, and yes, he has a strong sense of justice – but he's also the most creatively foul-mouthed Scot you're likely to encounter, and rather than limiting his dysfunction to a bit of alcoholism, he walks through life completely unconcerned with social graces and norms.
As a character, that makes him really, really fun (though definitely not for everyone).
Strictly speaking, the Robert Hoon Thrillers are a spin-off of JD Kirk's DCI Jack Logan novels – but for as much as I personally enjoy the Logan books, it's the Hoon books that never fail to make me laugh.
If you're not familiar with either series, you can check them out below:
There's also a new spin-off series featuring DI Heather Filson, and you can read the first of those novels HERE.
If you haven't read the series and you find the quotes below amusing…definitely go and read the series. If you loved Hoon but haven't read the Logan books, it's well worth going back and reading them. Even if you're not as into Logan, Hoon makes frequent appearances throughout.
We strongly recommend opting for the audiobook versions narrated by Angus King. His acting talent and Scottish accent make everything funnier, more suspenseful, and generally more enjoyable.
The Best Bob Hoon Quotes from JD Kirk's Robert Hoon Thrillers
There are far too many great Hoon quotes to include here, so we've just chosen a few from each book.
Please note: if you're easily offended, these books are NOT for you.
The Best Bob Hoon Quotes: Northwind
When confronted with baddies of an ethnic minority…
Whatever happens here, I want you all to know that it's not due to any sort of prejudice on my part. I'm what I like to think of as an equal opportunity bastard. I don't hate people because of the colour of their skin, which imaginary sky fairy they support, or the gender of the genitals they're driven to mash their own against. I hate people because they are, by and large, all arseholes.
On Star Wars…
…the room's single light shade was in the shape of the Death Star from the Star Wars movies – or, as Hoon always chose to refer to it, ‘That magic space shite with the asthmatic robot and the teddy bears.'
While questioning a suspect…
I am every fucking moment of every fucking nightmare that's ever popped into that rapey wee head o' yours, and the only reason I haven't already cut your bollocks off with this glass is that I need you to answer some questions, and mid-fucking-castration would feel like a somewhat awkward time to start asking them.
The Best Bob Hoon Quotes: Southpaw
Hoon on racists…
All people were arseholes until proven otherwise, and if you chose to ignore that fact and direct your hatred towards one particular subsection, then you were no longer speaking Hoon's language.
On feminine beauty…
Give him some wrinkles and creases. Give him a few pounds and extra weight. Give him scars that burned bright for all the world to see. Hers was a face with no story to tell, and how could you be drawn to something like that?
Hoon's softer side…
If I wanted to see a grown man bawling his eyes out I'd have bought a fucking mirror and rented Toy Story 3.
On facial hair…
“Beard?” Hoon snorted. “That's no' a fucking beard, son. That's a pubic wig that's wandered off course. That's a parody of a beard. In fact, no. It's no' even that. It's a fucking primary school play loosely inspired by a parody of a beard. That's how shite it is.”
The Best Bob Hoon Quotes: Westward
To ostrich enthusiasts…
“Right, you bird-cock-tugging no-marks,” Hoon boomed. “Which one of you jizzy-fingered fat fucks is in charge?”
To a prisoner…
“You'll be creaming in your fucking Y-fronts at the thought of a bullet through the head by the time I'm done with you, you frog-eyed box of dog tits.”
On poor explanations…
“Absolutely not a fucking Scooby,” Hoon told him. “If my ears could smell, all they'd be getting a fucking whiff of right now is you talking shite.”
On injuries…
“Jesus fuck!” Hoon spat. “You look like you've been tea-bagged by the Incredible Hulk.”
The Best Bob Hoon Quotes: Eastgate
On an underwhelming assistant…
“Did they clone him from one of your less-impressive bowel movements?”
On Cliff Richard…
He's a fucking human cardigan with a neck like an old pair of tights. My arse carries a tune better than that bastard.
On a group of hostage takers…
“See, you've got me curious,” Hoon said. “I mean, look at you, you're nothing but a stream of frog's piss in a funny hate. Your man in charge sounds like his mum's his sister, his first cousin, and his high school fucking sweetheart all rolled into one, and from what I've seen so far, I wouldn't rely on any of you to be able to hold up a banner with ‘We're all useless bastards,' written on it, never mind a fucking shopping centre two days before Christmas.”
On family…
“The last thing I want's a load of brothers, too. Especially a coven of snivelling, pillow-shagging, rancid wee fuckwits like you. I mean, what's the initiation ceremony? Do you all sit around in a big circle, furiously wanking each other off with tweezers and foaming at the mouth about how the whole world fucking hates you?”
